Back in the dumps...
Ok guys reader discretion advised, some things written maybe disturbing.
Today I had those moments when I feel sad that I am alive. I hate my life. Am back into a very rough patch. My rough patches may not seem too bad from the outside, but it's quite bad for me. It's coz of my mind. I am incapable of bearing any kind of sorrow or pain. But still this mind invites all this inside, like it's done right now.
I look at my life and I see nothing. I see me standing nowhere. If I had to paint something that depicted my life, I would draw a boy standing alone on a barren land with nothing in sight till the horizon.
Every glimmer of light comes down as a ball of fire burning me.
Let me start with this. I have NO friends. I don't have a clue what am I gonna do with my life. There are things that I can't forget and the more I remember, the more painful they are. My past not only haunts me, it freaking tortures me. I am surrounded by selfishness, back stabbing and deceit. I am standing at a crossroad with no sense of direction. I know all this is a waste. No amount of crying or cribbing or thinking about it is gonna help me in any way. All it's doing is wasting my time. But what do I do? I've not got the power.
I feel really scared sometimes about this mind. I fear about the pain and difficulties in the future. I am afraid I may not be able to take it. I just hope my mind is not the cause of my death or doesn't take me to a mental institution.
Have you ever thought killing yourself when you have been very very sad? Don't worry I am not gonna do anything like it. Just that I do think about it. I think about what would happen if I died. The effect it would have on everyone here. I tend to think of even more depressing things when I am depressed. That's what scares me. But I am not brave enough to hurt myself or anyone else. I don't get that carried away.
I see no solution.
Don't know whether I am actually in such a bad condition or it's just my mind, even if it is my mind doesn't that mean I am in a bad condition?
'Don't have a ground to stand on, don't have a boat to sail the seas, but just manage to go around somehow.'
These are some of the darkest thoughts of my mind. Though putting them down might help. May be it has.
Today I had those moments when I feel sad that I am alive. I hate my life. Am back into a very rough patch. My rough patches may not seem too bad from the outside, but it's quite bad for me. It's coz of my mind. I am incapable of bearing any kind of sorrow or pain. But still this mind invites all this inside, like it's done right now.
I look at my life and I see nothing. I see me standing nowhere. If I had to paint something that depicted my life, I would draw a boy standing alone on a barren land with nothing in sight till the horizon.
Every glimmer of light comes down as a ball of fire burning me.
Let me start with this. I have NO friends. I don't have a clue what am I gonna do with my life. There are things that I can't forget and the more I remember, the more painful they are. My past not only haunts me, it freaking tortures me. I am surrounded by selfishness, back stabbing and deceit. I am standing at a crossroad with no sense of direction. I know all this is a waste. No amount of crying or cribbing or thinking about it is gonna help me in any way. All it's doing is wasting my time. But what do I do? I've not got the power.
I feel really scared sometimes about this mind. I fear about the pain and difficulties in the future. I am afraid I may not be able to take it. I just hope my mind is not the cause of my death or doesn't take me to a mental institution.
Have you ever thought killing yourself when you have been very very sad? Don't worry I am not gonna do anything like it. Just that I do think about it. I think about what would happen if I died. The effect it would have on everyone here. I tend to think of even more depressing things when I am depressed. That's what scares me. But I am not brave enough to hurt myself or anyone else. I don't get that carried away.
I see no solution.
Don't know whether I am actually in such a bad condition or it's just my mind, even if it is my mind doesn't that mean I am in a bad condition?
'Don't have a ground to stand on, don't have a boat to sail the seas, but just manage to go around somehow.'
These are some of the darkest thoughts of my mind. Though putting them down might help. May be it has.
Comments
Hope its just a phase u are go'n thru and u cum out of it soon..
U know it wud immensely help if u cud talk to some1.. any1..
:)
..Me
You have a bright future ahead you will soon be a good psychiatrist thee is so much to look forward to if you close the room's light there will be darkness all around and u see nothing this do not means there is nothing just look... okay.
Everybody has a past wich in many cases is not a happy one but past cannot be erased now there are two optionseither you try to escape it wich is impossible becos reality cant be helped it needs to be accepted no matter how painful and you gotta move ahead... so you can have a better future
U cant control ther past but the present and future are in ur hands dont let them slip thru ur hands
You are a very sensitive person but at some point u gotta stop caring about the world and think of urself. You cant be selfless you are first and foremost responsible for urself. Its ur life...You don't need to be sorry for not being poitive noone can be happy forever but one has to overcome this. You are strong just don't let your mind fail u on this. You can stand it.
Be positive look ahead there is light at the tunnel's end and life indeed is beautiful
Life is too short to mull over what's done and gone... Believe me I've been there with all the backstabbing and shit. It sucks and I don't blame you for being so depressed but don't forget... You are incharge of who you let hurt you..
And that done with, lets get together and drink and forget our sorrows in the sea of.... err you know...gum bhula denge... All that hindi filmi crap...
Now cheer up...you have to get the food, I'm getting the booze...cant drink on an empty stomach... no no
:D
ps thanks for the template...you are soo sweet :)
i know i have to.may be i will. But it sucks that i have to. Why? how much? It seems everone here is already prepared for a life like this. Everyone is fighting with everyone else. There are smiles on everyone's faces but everyone bitches about everyone. There are no friends here but it seems they just too well prepared for all that.
I've seen it all. I've seen people that I thought were my closest friends turn up against me. I've known how in the end you have no one. you are all alone. But i see friendships and really feel why can't i have it.
It sucks even more when people you are close to... people whom you love hurt you.
I am glad you guys are there...But I don't think life is all that beautiful. It's a struggle... to survive.
In the end all people care about is themselves. and wouldn't mind goin ahead even if it meant stamping on someone. Am really disillusioned. Everytime I've been happy it has ended with equal amount of pain. Sorry for ruining your mood guys. I am...
As for the part where you say you are weak let me say something... someone who has tolerated mine and tanvi's thesis's disguised as posts cannot be weak... And I'm ver serious about that...
:D
And for all my positivity I have gone thru thing I don't even wanna share.
But life's like a game you lose some and you gain some... wats important is playing and playing hard to win:) so stop letting others ride on you but stand up for yourself. Actually live for yourself thats the only way life's worth living.
Live life the way you find it worth living not te way you are told its right or you should its too precious and small to be sacrificed for anyone.
Screw ...Jeena sirf mere liye and stick to its your life live it wala funda :)
Any ways I believe I can deal with this. Still hope things were a bit better.All coz of your words.......
Thnx.
I do have friends!!! Still hope things were a bit better.:-D
Yesa you gotta be yourself thats wats important I meant be yourself, don't expect anything out of others least of all approval, give them a damn. About the guard its unfortunate but true you can't drop it being yourself do not entails revealing all of you and letting someone pounce...
Take care :)
I know nobody can actually bring me out of it by themselves but hey! somebody being there definitely helps.
@ tanvi Thanx for caring so much ...I'll definitely try to stop caring about others.