Running in my head...

You must really be surprised (I am..) bout how frequently I am online being in the final year. Frankly speaking..even I don't know what's wrong with me. People around me go insane if It's been 15 minutes of not studying and here I am ( not studied well since 15 days). I can say all this here but if i say this in my college, people will look at me like I am some being from outer space. May be I am.... And don't be surprised if I am crying and wailing about not having enough time to study once the exams approach. I know it's gonna happen. It always does. Still I don't learn. It's been my story. I am a bit ashamed to confess these things. But what's true is true. And I should be ashamed. Ok so now I am feeling bad enough to want to go study something. Hope I am able to. Hope some good comes of publicly embarassing myself. This is a mail I received. An overview of the typical med-student. Congratulations on your choice to adopt a med student! Medical stude...

I m finally back. Oh! What a trip. It really was a welcome change. I've learnt that it's the change that's important even if it is a bit worse in terms of luxuries. Even though there were a lot of problems out there I was out of the monotony of life and got to live a different life for a while. A life with no worries, except maybe for the scarcity of drinking water. The thing that hit me while I was there is the fact that I am incapable of talking to people that I've just met. It's not difficult. It's impossible. My mouth just sews itself up. No matter how hard I try to speak I just can't. Many people may think of my silence as arrogance. It's not…. really. I just can't talk. I don't know what to say. I just go blank. There's nothing I can do but at the most nod my head to what the other person is saying. Sad isn't it. Poor me. But I've decided I am not gonna feel bad about it. If I am like this, I am like this. Now it's ever...

Am presently near my village. Can't begin to tell u how I found a net connection here. Anyways...we come to the point. Hoped to get away from the same old monotonous life that had me going nowhere. Had begun feeling as if I was just existing instead of living. Felt like running away. And so I did. But sadly, u can't escape ur thoughts. They came with me here. And so did the obsession I told u about. There seems to be no end to this. I kno thinking about isn't gonna help in any way but i just can't help it. The magic....I want it back. The fantasy I lived..I want it back.But can't get it anymore.Oh..how i miss it! Oh..How I want it! Stop thinking about it pranay.Just forget it ever happened. How do i stop these thoughts of mine that race away like a horse without a leash. How do i stop this mind of mine that just doesn't stop trying to satisfy it's insatiable apetite for happiness. I can't. I can't. Hate to say this. Hate to not be able to control my ...

What a strange feeling. This is really starting to grow over me now. It's funny how you are taken over by something so deeply. I can't mention what happened but a friend behaved in a way that has been unexplainable by me. And haven't I thought about it. I haven't stopped. It's not yet an obsession but it's kinda like it. You wanna know what happened. You wanna know so bad. But you can't there's nothing, absolutely nothing that you can do. And that just kills you. When you want to do something very badly and you just can't, you wanna do it even more badly. And it just goes on. I am in the middle of something like it right now. There's absolutely nothing I can do. But this has started bothering me so much that I've started having dreams about it. This sadly has started my daily routine too. My time table has changed. I am not able to study and this makes me feel even worse but I can't seem to let go. It was all the more special coz it was...

Just watched the first episode of Grey's anatomy and had a strange feeling of déjà vu. I don't how to explain. This world …this world of medicine…the world I try to keep myself out of when I am out of the hospital…maybe it's because of a comment a friend of mine had passed. He had said that once we get in med-school we are separated from the normal world, we don't know what happens outside; all we can know or talk about is medicine. Honestly, didn't like it. Don't wanna be someone who doesn't know anything apart from what he does. That's why this subconscious attempt at being a regular guy at the cost of loving your own field I suppose. And I know it's not right… Ok so we were talking about Grey's anatomy, it brought back those bitter sweet memories you attach with med-school. That cut -throat competition, those moments of blankness when a senior asks a question, those moments of blankness when you have to apply your bookish knowledge to a h...

It's so strange... sometimes you are unable to see what's near you coz your eyes are fixed too far. An incident like this happened with me recently. Everybody when looking at their country looks at the problems, the negatives etc.These are the things that bother us and thus this is all we think. Yet sometimes the greatness of our country is so conveniently missed. It took me two eyes looking at India from outside to realize this. The eyes that maybe that maybe although couldn't see the negatives were very keen on appreciating the positives. I saw that admiration and respect for India that I had forgotten. I saw how great India really is. I saw the meaninglessness of chasing other worlds when there's something here that can lead everyone. The meaninglessness of learning salsa and hiphop when we so many traditional dances of our own, of striving to perfect our English when we have more than 15 languages of our own, forget Hollywood, forget American music, there's ever...

another day has gone. exams are on friday. an i am wasting my time like anything. hope i am able to study. can't believe i am wasting so much of time so close to the exams. i just wish they go off smoothly. all these complications going on in my life.... i wish they go soon.

Just wanna stand on a peak high above the world, with the wind blowing on my face and my hair dancing just wanna stay there all alone the sun settting far away silence all around except the song the wind whispers in my ear nothing to do but stand there and be one with the wind just close my eyes and stand, feel the closeness to the heavens with my feet on the ground the music the wind plays makin me dance with joy. will it be any less than paradise..? i wanna be in paradise

I sit here bundled up, waiting to be gobbled up, by the world around me, or the agony within me. It really kills when I am feeling as bad as I am right now. It is such a horrible feeling. I think I don't have the strength to bear sorrow. Yes may be I don't. I don't know what to do about it. Whenever I feel this bad this thing comes over me. It is not just in the mind. It has physical effects too. My body temperature seems to rise, my head starts to feel heavy and as I checked I think my heart rate also goes down. The feeling is so strong that it more or less paralyses me. I am unable to do anything, let alone enjoy. It also is pretty obvious on my face as my mom was able to pick it up soon. I can't hide it. This power overpowers me into submission and I am helpless. I am cut out from the world and nothing going around really matters to me anymore. The stuff going on in my head doesn't let me get bothered by anything going around me. All I can do then is suffer the a...