Running in my head...

An era has ended. A genius is gone. An idol for idols has left us. But I am sure, even though he may not appear in tabloids and controversies any more, even though millions across the world would not hope for one more touch of his awesomeness, even though there will never be another Michael Jackson concert, the magic will live on, the music will live on, the legend will live on. After all, he is 'The Michael Jackson'. Yes, may you like him or not, you cannot deny that his name epitomizes a legend, a giant wave that took over the world, a true star. I may sound like a typical fan when I say all that, and may be I am. But to be honest, I do not know any other artist who could capture someone's imagination like this one could. A man who demolished every boundary there ever was. He demolished music genre,age, nationality, race, gender and sometimes even just being human. He was surreal, a mythical creature in that sense. His music, his videos, his costumes, his persona all make...

One of the biggest problems doctors face is the conflict between your mind and your heart. I am sure everyone does have such moments but none as heartbreakingly critical or poignant as a doctor. During my internships too I had these dilemmas. Especially when facing a very poor patient, patients dangerously careless and ignorant about their healths , abusive husbands, violent patients, the list goes on.... It is during these times that one is compelled to decide between the heart and the mind. Anyway, this isn't a medicine related post or I would have put it up on the other blog, so I would not dwell into that aspect too much. The post is about my own personal realisation and acceptance albeit from this. While reading about medical ethics in the US recently, I came across a seemingly simple 'law'. Yes folks, it is the law. It says, ' A competent patient has the right to refuse or choose their treatment'. Yes, it does seem pretty straight forward and obvious but the...

Here I am. At probably the biggest crossroad of my life...yet. I got into Medicine. And passed out without much worries or anything. It was cool. It was college. There were sports. There were Dance shows. There was college politics. There were friends and foes. There were teachers. There were exams. And all that Jazz. That's all life really was. I didn't really ever do anything extra ordinary. But still, with that security of a life around me, I could see the world. I could still sit and observe. I could ponder and analyse. I could comment and learn. I could do any damn thing I wanted to. I started this blog. Have written more than 100 posts in college itself about a range of topics. I talked about philosophical thoughts, current affairs, big issues and mostly about me. My life. My feelings. And I did pretty well. Wouldn't say I came up with posts very easily. There were many many times when I couldn't. But there were many times when a lot of things popped up in my head...

Life without you, I cant imagine. What you mean to me I cannot express. Not only are you special, but coz of you life is special love is special. Don't know why you came in my life what role you were here to play But someone up there loved me too much. It must be magic, surely coz what we had defies sense. Every tear I shed, Every smile I had, is special coz you were there. You completed my life and gave it a purpose. You gave me a reason to wake up everyday. I don't know when you became family. I don't know when you became my life. Something somewhere did go wrong, but still looking ahead at life without you it's a dark hollow. It is living, without a life.

Aaahhh....those guys. Why am I not one of them? Why? Why don't I pass cheap jokes and laugh all day? Why don't I drool every other girl that passes by? Why? Why don't I swear at a drop of a hat? Why do I not care about anything? Why are girls not chicks to me? Even they get girls(chicks) But the thing is that they don't get hurt. They don't let the girls get close enough to hurt them. I am stupid. We are stupid. Heart...? It's just there to get hurt. All you guys out there...It's best to be that typical male who just watches sports,drinks beer and checks out chicks. Believe me.

I wish to write a poem right now Coz nothing else can express my heart. One which could cover everything, that I went through then and now. That tinge of pain that spark of joy. That warmth of love, that chill of despair. That feeling of oneness and one of being alone. The love, the hatred the sorrow, the anger. I can't. I can't. Words can't do justice to it. It's just me who has to bear, the memories and live them over and over again. Strange is the way of life, I would want things to change but if I had to change one thing, I wouldn't know which I'd choose. I guess there is no solution. I hate life for this. I am not made for this. Coz I think...and feel. I can't just put my blinkers on. Do I have the right to be happy? Do I have the right to love? Why am I hating myself? Is it coz of the way I've become now? or coz I blame myself for this state? Somehow everything feels wrong. Everything. I am living. I am working. I am laughing. I am sleeping. Yes. B...

Another one of my troughs. I am sort of getting a feeling I'm gonna lose it sometime soon. Lose my mind I mean. I controlled it somehow today. But I m sure a day's gonna come when my mind is gonna be overcome by this and I would lose control. I am doing my best to stop thinkin about it. But I am not immune. Life's taken such a turn. Do not, I repeat, Do not take life for granted. People change. I have no idea what I am writing. Chaos in my head. Had heard religion is the opium of people. I need an opium. Hope I dont get the real thing.

Is my life really bad? Or is it just in my head? I don't know. But for a fact I am not in the best of mindsets at the moment. Had a feeling few days back which was very bad. I mean I keep getting this bad feelings regularly but this was particularly bad. I just though of my life as a whole and was completely disillusioned. U know how u hear about these people talk about their life altering decisions and such big changes. I never thought of myself as having any of these things. My life was just going ok. No big surprises. No big changes. But that day I just had this feeling, that if I have to be happy,I've got to turn my life around. I was thinkin stuff like going off and staying alone in a completely new place for a while like at least 6 months or so. This would totally put my career out of track at the moment as I need to study but this feeling just grabbed me that I can't be happy here. Living this pathetic life. Sometimes feel like changing the whole direction of life a...

Am in a strange sort of place. Am facing a huge change in my life. A bad change but inevitable. And I am in a place where I don't know how to react. I seriously don't. Whether to run away, just change myself according to the change and move away or try to prevent it. Right now I am running away and changing. Something that is different from what I'd usually do. But I feel like I am stuck in a corner and there's just one way to go. It's the height of desperation. It's something that would change my life and I've never been so brave to just go and change. But I just can't help it. I'm put in such a position that if I don't change, it feels terrible. I feel left behind and stupid. Both the options feel wrong. I don't know what to do. It's easily one of the toughest positions I'll ne in my life. Stretched to the limit Now all I can do... ...is break. ********************************************************************************** Chatti...

What? What is it that I want? Do I know it ? Or do I not? I don't know. What is it that makes me gloomy nowadays? Some days I just don't even feel like getting up from a place. Even if I know, I have some work to do and I can utilize the free time to do it, I just can't move. I am so affected by this mood. Am I lonely? What in my life makes me sad? I not o.k nowadays.Not that I am depressed all the time. I go to college. Do my work. Am pretty o.k there. But Whenever I come home and am alone, this strange feeling takes over, in which I am not happy anymore. There is this need to be happy. I mean, I am not satisfied with normal. I want something that really makes me happy. I am sure there is a reason for this. Just that I don't exactly know what it is. There are somethings that help to lift this mood. I think if I do something creative or anything that does really makes me happy. Something special. Something I can be proud of. But the problem is I can't always do it....

I was going through a rough patch lately. And so I decided I am gonna start watching movies at home. Alone.Also, was pretty frustrated today. Was feeling very bad. Wanted something to take my mind off. So I went out and got 'Crash'. It's an awesome movie.It deserves all the praise it got. But this post isn't about the movie. It's about something I've been thinkin about for quite a few days. And Crash just brought it up. I am thinkin big and planning to go to the U.S. for my post graduation and further. But lately I've been having worrying thoughts about it. I mean is it a good decision? The thing that I am most scared about is being an outcast. The foreigner. The brown guy. I'll never be me again. I fear I am never gonna be treated normally again. There's gonna be so much prejudice. And even if it isn't there, I am still gonna have to prove myself...to everyone. I am gonna be judged. There are gonna be many taunts. Worst of all open abuses. I am...

You're so beautiful it hurts. and yet strangely it soothes. You're so perfect, you make me see the imperfections in the rest of us. You're so beautiful that when I see you I want the moment to go on forever, just so that I can decipher the spell your beauty casts. That moment, I am free yet captured That moment, I am calm yet restless That moment, I am in ecstasy and yet in misery That moment, I am me yet unknown It's amazing how you never cease to amaze me. It's amazing how it never seems to be enough for me. In that moment,my eyes seem like the greatest gift God could give. But still, in that moment,He seems so cruel for giving just two of them. You're so beautiful it hurts. and yet strangely it soothes. Happy birthday.

Too many things bouncing off the inside of my head and no one I can talk to, so I come to my ever faithful blog. I've been wanting a lot things lately. Why you ask? I really don't know. I guess it's this never ending quest of happiness. And you know what happens when I accidently get one? I am not happy. It's just too much. I guess I am gonna be one of those people whorun around here and there in search of that ever elusive goal- spiritual happiness. Yeah I know it sounds crazy. I used to laugh at them too. But life just has so many questions that have no answers. Atleast none that I know. Seems like such a simple thing, happiness. Satisfaction. Contentment. But when there's so much of discontent in life, so many unanswered questions, it really doesn't leave any space for the above mentioned. Want so much to just be relaxed about life. But there's dissatisfaction everywhere. Everywhere. Oh hell, life is bad. And I haven't even had a heart break. That def...

It slowly is building up inside me. After keeping it buried inside for so long I thought it'd been taken care of but apparently not. It still exists and is raising it's ugly head again. I feel the surge coming up like a huge bubble finds its way up to the surface to explode with all its might. I am still fighting to keep it inside as long as I can but it's appearance seems more and more inevitable with each passing moment. Not to mention how somehow the whole world seems to try to facilitate it's coming out. Every now and then circumstances lend themselves to such extent that I can but stop from exploding. And yet I fight. Alone. I know it's a losing battle but still want to delay it as much as possible. There seems to be no solution. No way to escape this fate I have to endure.

One of the biggest questions I've faced in life is the heart v/s mind dilemma. How do you live your life? following your heart or following your mind? What do you give more importance to, love or money? I personally am one who worships the heart. I think it's what makes us human. That is the only thing that we can be proud about as humans, I feel. But then what do I know? I am stupid. I am a dumb little boy who lives more in his dreams than in real life. I am sure everyone and maybe even myself would respect a person who gave up every pleasure in his life and worked single mindedly on achieving success more than one who lived life loving dearly his loved ones. But it's so sad. Now I know if I saw a guy in school saying he's all in love and he's gonna dedicate his life to the one he loves, I'd think he's stupid. But if I see a guy who doesn't know the worth of the person who loves him dearly I'd feel he's damn stupid too no matter how successful h...

Current mood: Image Courtesy:Flickr

I am my own man. I live in my own world. I talk with me. I laugh with me. When I wanna hang out, I hang out with me. I argue with me. I discuss with me. I enjoy with me. I celebrate with me. I cry with me. I console me. I seek solace and usually get it, in me. I ask questions. I get the answers, from me. When I do something good, and yearn for attention, I get the praise, from me. I am my own man. I am my own company. I am my own friend, I am there for me. I am own man. I live in my own world. Image courtesy:Flickr

This is something that really bugs me.. I don't know whether it's good or bad... But this is how I am and am unable to change it even if I try. The problem is, I can't get angry. I mean I can get angry at people who are close to me but not in public. As my shyness in public is well documented, I wouldn't talk about it here. This is something that has really made me feel proud sometimes while at others all I want to do is hide my face in shame. I can't shout or fight in public or with anyone I don't know. I just damn can't. I just ignore it. Consider it a non issue keep quiet and move on.All I think about are the facts, I can never think about things from an ego sorta perspective...like," How can I let him to talk to me like that? I must retaliate." No. I just imbibe the negatives. Think about how bad the person is behaving and just move on. I mean if he's not well brought up and ill mannered why should I lose my head to correct it. All it...

Exams have passed off pretty uneventfully. The things that are bugging me a lot these days are the egos. There are so many huge egos around. No one likes to be told what to do no matter if we are right or wrong. No one wants to discuss anything- there's no need, I know I am always right. And all sorts of fights take place out of nothing just because somebody's ego got hurt. It's really driving me crazy trying to figure out what to do. I mean I am unable to just let it be. It's so damn wrong. So I stand up and try to reason out with these egos the rights and wrong of the matter. But, not surprisingly, I end up giving some discomfort to that huge thing… the ego. And I am the one in a fight and it's just impossible to reason out things with someone who's hell bent on listening to no one else and proclaiming himself right. I should just stay away but it just feels bad coz it's so unfair. I don't know how to change these people. I mean I feel I should ta...

Which one is the real me? I am not sure. I am so different for different people. I don't do it intentionally. I don't like to 'act' with people. But it's as if I am programmed. May be it's true for most people. But it really is extreme for me. There are so many people who think or 'know' that I am a very shy person. I am unable to talk that I am very outgoing and naughty. I keep on doing all sorts of antics, cracking jokes freely. Whenever I am in social gatherings, all I can do is sit quietly in one corner. Similar to this are some people who think I am a man of few words. I don't like to talk too much. Instead of talking useless things I just talk to the point. There are some who think I am really sweet for some nice gestures showing love and caring. Then there are some who think I am a snob because I am unable to even wish somebody or gift on their birthday just coz it makes me uncomfortable. Some people think or 'know', playing pranks ...