Running in my head...

It is weird how things just happened in a way that I landed with this topic. The first idea of a post came when I read this story in the newspaper. For those too lazy to visit the link, it speaks of a accident victim who had a pipe lodged in his neck and chest saying he doesn't have any grudges against the driver who dashed into him and has chosen to forgive him. It think it's a great gesture and should be talked about all over to get such a thing as forgiveness to be considered among virtues again. I believe it's not looked up to as much anymore and the one who can give back is the only one who is respected...as I've talked about in an earlier post . So, anyway..This got me thinking about doing a post about forgiveness. Then as I came online today, a real close friend of my past msged me. Now this guy was pretty close to me when he went abroad for studies. It's been 4 yrs since he's talked to me.It started with him not replying me on msngr. I did scrap him on...

Ok. I rant. One of the things I am seeing more and more nowadays....the planned friendship. I was never a believer of the planned friendship but now as I see it, it has a huge following. I see it everywhere. I know you all must be like, 'What is this planned friendhip?' Well, it is a 'friendship' that is made intentionally by someone with someone for a motive'. It may also be loosely called networking and in a professionaly setup may actually be a thing to be lauded. But I, luckily or unluckily, do not like it at all, rather I despise it. And some are pathologically inclined to do it. And I hate those fake sweet words, those fake good manners....the whole fake act, just to get closer to someone. Sadly it's so common place now that people who know they are at the recieving end of it still take it. I would be irritated and pissed off if I knew someone's being nice to me with an ulterior motive but I see people being cool with it. As with so many of the '...

Aaahhh....those guys. Why am I not one of them? Why? Why don't I pass cheap jokes and laugh all day? Why don't I drool every other girl that passes by? Why? Why don't I swear at a drop of a hat? Why do I not care about anything? Why are girls not chicks to me? Even they get girls(chicks) But the thing is that they don't get hurt. They don't let the girls get close enough to hurt them. I am stupid. We are stupid. Heart...? It's just there to get hurt. All you guys out there...It's best to be that typical male who just watches sports,drinks beer and checks out chicks. Believe me.

I wish to write a poem right now Coz nothing else can express my heart. One which could cover everything, that I went through then and now. That tinge of pain that spark of joy. That warmth of love, that chill of despair. That feeling of oneness and one of being alone. The love, the hatred the sorrow, the anger. I can't. I can't. Words can't do justice to it. It's just me who has to bear, the memories and live them over and over again. Strange is the way of life, I would want things to change but if I had to change one thing, I wouldn't know which I'd choose. I guess there is no solution. I hate life for this. I am not made for this. Coz I think...and feel. I can't just put my blinkers on. Do I have the right to be happy? Do I have the right to love? Why am I hating myself? Is it coz of the way I've become now? or coz I blame myself for this state? Somehow everything feels wrong. Everything. I am living. I am working. I am laughing. I am sleeping. Yes. B...

Another one of my troughs. I am sort of getting a feeling I'm gonna lose it sometime soon. Lose my mind I mean. I controlled it somehow today. But I m sure a day's gonna come when my mind is gonna be overcome by this and I would lose control. I am doing my best to stop thinkin about it. But I am not immune. Life's taken such a turn. Do not, I repeat, Do not take life for granted. People change. I have no idea what I am writing. Chaos in my head. Had heard religion is the opium of people. I need an opium. Hope I dont get the real thing.

I am so sorry. I have lost touch with you my blog. I never come your way and share my life with you. It just doesn't come to me. There are so many moments when I think of things to say to you but then it just dissappears by the time I come anywhere near writing. So is the case today. I come here just like that...for no reason. Life is still not looking up. But I'm trying to look elsewhere. If there's one thing that is irritating me a lot is when ppl close to you just refuse to accept they are wrong and change. And then you cant do anything but take it. No matter how much I try to show them how and why it is that what they do is wrong but no use. They would just not listen and you have to live with it and your life changes just coz of that. And I cant do anything...anything. Surgery posting's going bad. Don't have the inclination to write about it on what's up doc? Don't really have the inclination to do anything. Am not even studying. Days just go by. When...

Is my life really bad? Or is it just in my head? I don't know. But for a fact I am not in the best of mindsets at the moment. Had a feeling few days back which was very bad. I mean I keep getting this bad feelings regularly but this was particularly bad. I just though of my life as a whole and was completely disillusioned. U know how u hear about these people talk about their life altering decisions and such big changes. I never thought of myself as having any of these things. My life was just going ok. No big surprises. No big changes. But that day I just had this feeling, that if I have to be happy,I've got to turn my life around. I was thinkin stuff like going off and staying alone in a completely new place for a while like at least 6 months or so. This would totally put my career out of track at the moment as I need to study but this feeling just grabbed me that I can't be happy here. Living this pathetic life. Sometimes feel like changing the whole direction of life a...

Am in a strange sort of place. Am facing a huge change in my life. A bad change but inevitable. And I am in a place where I don't know how to react. I seriously don't. Whether to run away, just change myself according to the change and move away or try to prevent it. Right now I am running away and changing. Something that is different from what I'd usually do. But I feel like I am stuck in a corner and there's just one way to go. It's the height of desperation. It's something that would change my life and I've never been so brave to just go and change. But I just can't help it. I'm put in such a position that if I don't change, it feels terrible. I feel left behind and stupid. Both the options feel wrong. I don't know what to do. It's easily one of the toughest positions I'll ne in my life. Stretched to the limit Now all I can do... ...is break. ********************************************************************************** Chatti...

Saw Chak de today. Superb movie. Watched a movie of such high calibre after a long time. The production values are fantastic.Direction smart. Acting commendable. Sound awesome. Camera work slick. The makers have cleverly been able to hold themselves from being overly dramatic. The honesty in working for the movie shows in some amazing scenes. It had me in tears too in a few scenes. It most definitely touched me a few times. I don't know if I cried because of happiness or sadness. It really grabs you. There are some cliche^s but you are too involved in the movie to mind. It did make me feel what a sportsman would feel. As I did play a bit, I could identify with quiet a few things and it felt so exciting.A sports person really has so much drama in his life. The performances that they have been able to bring form the players is just unbelievable. Although not Oscar winning stuff but it doesn't ruin the movie a bit and that is good enough. There were many times when things didn...

What? What is it that I want? Do I know it ? Or do I not? I don't know. What is it that makes me gloomy nowadays? Some days I just don't even feel like getting up from a place. Even if I know, I have some work to do and I can utilize the free time to do it, I just can't move. I am so affected by this mood. Am I lonely? What in my life makes me sad? I not o.k nowadays.Not that I am depressed all the time. I go to college. Do my work. Am pretty o.k there. But Whenever I come home and am alone, this strange feeling takes over, in which I am not happy anymore. There is this need to be happy. I mean, I am not satisfied with normal. I want something that really makes me happy. I am sure there is a reason for this. Just that I don't exactly know what it is. There are somethings that help to lift this mood. I think if I do something creative or anything that does really makes me happy. Something special. Something I can be proud of. But the problem is I can't always do it....

Everything came to tragic end today. And after everything we are not performing there. Although doing my solo. As I've said was very frustrated since yesterday but still was dancing just for the sake of it. We went to get the costumes in the morning. There we get a call that the girls don't want to dance. And we had put the costumes in our bags by then. Felt so...what else? frustrated.All these day no one wants to practise and the last moment when we have 3 stations away to the choreographers they say they don't want to do it. We tried to convince them against the stupid reasoning that other dance groups are going from our college. I mean how does that matter? We asked them if the final decision as the choreographers were just leaving and we had to decide whether to bring the costumes. They said no. We returned the costumes. Then somehow something struck and people started saying again that they want to dance. But this time it was too much for us and we stuck to the decisio...

Am so damn frustrated. It happens everyday and I can't do anything. I am talking about my dance group. Yes again. We are going to another college.The show is day after tomorrow and today was a holiday. Any one in their right sense of mind would practice. But no. These greats are not bothered at all. Even after knowing that we screwed so badly in the last performance. G said he would call everyone. Got a call in the afternoon. Said practice in the evening. Waited and waited. In the end I had to call to know. P was sleeping. Said was tired after roaming all day. Others still were in their rooms. And I called an hour after the decided time. Even yesterday I went to college just for the practice and nobody came. I have to go and call each and everyone. So many are not even bothered to call and ask what about the practice if they don get a call. They just wait and wait till someone calls.Today we called them in the evening till then they were blissfully unconcerned even though we have t...

This is about an incident that happened yesterday. It reiterated what already knew and don like it one bit. A dancer who hardly attends the dance practice and isn't even good got angry and behaved in such an aggressive way that it shocked me and all I wanted to do was kick him out of the dance group. It happened coz his partner who was preset for the dance practice all the while said she won't dance with him as she was frustrated about sitting there alone as others practiced with partners. This guy has ditched us so many times and gone to play without caring one bit of how bad he is dancing. So we were with this girl trying to convince her to dance and she was arguing about how she missed lectures for the dance and had to sit alone. And this guy got angry and threw an iron rod, went out slamming the door open in a vulgar show of anger. And this when all of us including the choreographers were present. He really deserves to be out of the dance for acting so careless about the ...

Too many things bouncing off the inside of my head and no one I can talk to, so I come to my ever faithful blog. I've been wanting a lot things lately. Why you ask? I really don't know. I guess it's this never ending quest of happiness. And you know what happens when I accidently get one? I am not happy. It's just too much. I guess I am gonna be one of those people whorun around here and there in search of that ever elusive goal- spiritual happiness. Yeah I know it sounds crazy. I used to laugh at them too. But life just has so many questions that have no answers. Atleast none that I know. Seems like such a simple thing, happiness. Satisfaction. Contentment. But when there's so much of discontent in life, so many unanswered questions, it really doesn't leave any space for the above mentioned. Want so much to just be relaxed about life. But there's dissatisfaction everywhere. Everywhere. Oh hell, life is bad. And I haven't even had a heart break. That def...

It slowly is building up inside me. After keeping it buried inside for so long I thought it'd been taken care of but apparently not. It still exists and is raising it's ugly head again. I feel the surge coming up like a huge bubble finds its way up to the surface to explode with all its might. I am still fighting to keep it inside as long as I can but it's appearance seems more and more inevitable with each passing moment. Not to mention how somehow the whole world seems to try to facilitate it's coming out. Every now and then circumstances lend themselves to such extent that I can but stop from exploding. And yet I fight. Alone. I know it's a losing battle but still want to delay it as much as possible. There seems to be no solution. No way to escape this fate I have to endure.

One of the biggest questions I've faced in life is the heart v/s mind dilemma. How do you live your life? following your heart or following your mind? What do you give more importance to, love or money? I personally am one who worships the heart. I think it's what makes us human. That is the only thing that we can be proud about as humans, I feel. But then what do I know? I am stupid. I am a dumb little boy who lives more in his dreams than in real life. I am sure everyone and maybe even myself would respect a person who gave up every pleasure in his life and worked single mindedly on achieving success more than one who lived life loving dearly his loved ones. But it's so sad. Now I know if I saw a guy in school saying he's all in love and he's gonna dedicate his life to the one he loves, I'd think he's stupid. But if I see a guy who doesn't know the worth of the person who loves him dearly I'd feel he's damn stupid too no matter how successful h...

I am my own man. I live in my own world. I talk with me. I laugh with me. When I wanna hang out, I hang out with me. I argue with me. I discuss with me. I enjoy with me. I celebrate with me. I cry with me. I console me. I seek solace and usually get it, in me. I ask questions. I get the answers, from me. When I do something good, and yearn for attention, I get the praise, from me. I am my own man. I am my own company. I am my own friend, I am there for me. I am own man. I live in my own world. Image courtesy:Flickr

I dream of a life That’s perfect. But as I see it, It’s far from it. This oyster is my world. And not the other way round. Nothing to look forward to. Ordinary is the name. Adjusting to people of all sorts, yet, none of my sort. A struggle to earn, a struggle to belong, to this world. I do not. Where’s the life of freedom? Of amazement and discovery? Where’s the life of love? Of wines and moonlit beaches? Where’s the life of passion? Of excitement and ecstasy? Am I destined for this? Then why do I dream? Why do I believe there’s still a twist in the tale, And hope, this dream will come true? Life, give me a chance… Or at least stop me from dreaming.

This is something that really bugs me.. I don't know whether it's good or bad... But this is how I am and am unable to change it even if I try. The problem is, I can't get angry. I mean I can get angry at people who are close to me but not in public. As my shyness in public is well documented, I wouldn't talk about it here. This is something that has really made me feel proud sometimes while at others all I want to do is hide my face in shame. I can't shout or fight in public or with anyone I don't know. I just damn can't. I just ignore it. Consider it a non issue keep quiet and move on.All I think about are the facts, I can never think about things from an ego sorta perspective...like," How can I let him to talk to me like that? I must retaliate." No. I just imbibe the negatives. Think about how bad the person is behaving and just move on. I mean if he's not well brought up and ill mannered why should I lose my head to correct it. All it...

Hmm…It's raining since yesterday. The atmosphere seems gloomy. I feel gloomy. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's the atmosphere, may be it's coz I m missin her. She doesn't care is another story. Don't feel like doing anything. This weather just makes me want to leave my daily worries behind and just sit and ponder. Yeah just ponder. About anything. I think about me, love, life; of course after thinking about something I do consider it for my blog. And then, somehow it doesn't work out. But yeah, this time around it has made me sit down and write, something I thought I would not be able to do for a long time. But here I am… My life has been a roller coaster ride this past few months, it really has. Strange as it may sound, if I try to remember what all happened in the past few months, it's a blur. The memory doesn't come to me as smoothly as I would want it to. Some things do register themselves as significant events but the rest just wander off into a mi...